Hello loyal SF lovers. It’s been a while since I did a post, but not for lack of trying. Concurrently with “On Homelessness,” I was working on a piece entitled “On Vagina,” but I got 3 pages into it before it sort of fell apart (it was a look at gender relations in the year 2013, but when I bounced my ideas off of various people, I realized it was a bit ahead of its time). Then I got 5 pages into “On Republicans,” but needless to say, it was recycling the same old preaching-to-the-perverted-choir points that have already been written much more intelligently by this guy.
Meanwhile, all over the Internet, people are writing listicles. And what is a listicle? “Listicle” is a portmanteau of “list” and “testicle.” In other words, a list with balls. For this listicle I’m going to do an old favorite: the purity test. I’ve done a few over the years and I think you’ll agree that they’re a lot of fun.
And so, without further ado, I present to you THE SAN FRANCISCO PURITY TEST!!!
You know the rules: score one point for each of the following that you’ve done. Cheating is encouraged.
Since you’ve lived in San Francisco, you’ve…
3. Jay-biked on Market Street, like a fucking idiot.
4. Smoked a cigarette.
5. Smoked a marijuana cigarette (reefer).
6. Smoked a marijuana cigarette in public.
7. Smoked a marijuana cigarette in front of a cop.
8. Smoked a marijuana cigarette with a cop.
9. Eaten a pot brownie.
10. Eaten a pot brownie on Alice B. Toklas Street.
11. Driven down the windy part of Lombard Street.
12. Driven up the windy part of Lombard Street.
13. Driven down the windy part of Vermont Street, along McKinley Square (which is actually windiest street in the city).
14. Ridden your bike across the Golden Gate Bridge.
15. Ridden your skateboard down the hills in Pac Heights.
16. Ridden your land luge down the hills in Pac Heights.
17. Referred to the hills in Twin Peaks as the “North Nipple” and “South Nipple”.
18. Exposed your nipples on Twin Peaks.
19. Exposed your nipples and/or other body parts that are not normally meant to be exposed at Bay to Breakers.
20. Exposed yourself in all of your naked glory on a random day anywhere in the city, prior to them passing that silly no-nudity ordinance.
21. Looked up your district supervisor.
22. Written an angry letter to your district supervisor.
23. Complained about the lack of housing in the city, but then complained more when a developer threatened to build more housing in your neighborhood.
24. Stepped in dog shit.
25. Stepped in human shit.
26. Defecated on the sidewalk.
27. Defecated on the sidewalk, in front of a playground, in the middle of the day when there were lots of kids on said playground (note: I didn’t do this myself, but I definitely saw it happen in my neighborhood not too long ago).
28. Lived in the Mission.
29. Lived in the Marina.
30. Made fun of people who live in the Marina.
31. Made fun of people who live in the Marina, but then slept with one or more of them anyway.
32. Turned around to look at a girl’s ass when she walked past you wearing yoga pants.
33. Turned around to look at a guy’s ass when he walked past you wearing yoga pants.
34. Stared at a transgenered person’s package sticking out of her yoga pants.
35. Been hit on while walking down the street.
36. Been hit on by somebody of the same sex while walking down the street.
37. Been not hit on by somebody of the same sex while walking down the street, and gotten offended because of it.
38. Entered into a polyamorous relationship.
39. Dated multiple people at the same time and called yourself “polyamorous” to justify your whorish behavior (note: the term “whorish” here is a unisex term. One can definitely be a man whore).
40. Avoided getting into a relationship at all costs, but entered into multiple “it’s complicated” situations, sometimes simultaneously.
41. Received a street-sweeper ticket.
42. Received a texting-while-driving ticket.
43. Driven while drunk, gotten pulled over, and not received a ticket.
44. Thrown away a recyclable item in the garbage can.
45. Thrown away a compostable item in the recycle bin.
46. Yelled at or otherwise shamed somebody for throwing the wrong item into the wrong bin.
47. Defecated into the compost bin—which technically would be the correct thing to do.
48. Gotten wasted at a Giants game.
49. Gotten wasted at a Niners game.
50. Gotten wasted at a wiffleball game in Golden Gate Park.
51. Eaten a truffle purchased in Dolores Park.
52. Attended the Pride Parade.
53. Attended the Folsom Street Fair.
54. Dressed up in costume on a random day (not Halloween, Bay to Breakers, Arbor Day, etc.)
55. Made an ass of yourself singing karaoke at the Mint.
56. Made an ass of yourself singing karaoke at the Mint, while thinking that you were singing really well.
57. Walked into a gay bar thinking it was a straight bar (I’m sorry—who would’ve guessed that a bar named after a Herman Melville book about manly sailors was a gay bar?!)
58. Walked into a straight bar thinking it was a gay bar.
59. Gone to Ruby Sky.
60. Had a homosexual encounter if you normally identify as straight, or a heterosexual encounter if you normally identify as gay.
61. Given up on the whole “normally identify as____” thing when it comes to sexuality.
62. Made love to a homeless person.
63. Made love to a native San Franciscan.
64. Hell, met a native San Franciscan.
65. Consumed a bacon-wrapped hot dog.
66. Consumed a bacon-wrapped tofu dog.
67. Eaten some ‘shrooms in the city.
68. Dropped some acid in the city.
69. Taken some ecstasy in the city.
70. Taken some “Molly” or “moon rocks” or whatever the fuck the kids are calling it in the city. Honestly, kids these days.
71. Gone to Burning Man.
72. Skipped Burning Man, but didn’t shower for a week anyway.
73. Had sex with somebody who worked at Google, Apple or Facebook.
74. Contemplated having sex with somebody, but then decided against it when he or she revealed that he or she worked at Google, Apple or Facebook (ironic, since he actually thought that would get him laid. Chump).
75. Had sex with somebody who works at a startup.
76. Contemplated having sex with somebody, but then he or she said that he or she worked at a startup, so instead of having sex with him or her, you decided to punch him or her in the mouth (or at least seriously considered doing so).
77. Worked from home naked.
78. Went to your office naked.
79. Decided you were “over” the Mission.
80. Decided you were “over” the Castro.
81. Decided you were “over” Rice-a-Roni. San Francisco treat my ass.
82. Seen your rent double.
83. Seen your rent triple.
84. Decided that SF rent was bullshit, and moved to Oakland.
85. Decided that SF rent was bullshit and tried to move to Oakland, but then realized that you couldn’t afford to live there either.
86. Started a tech company.
87. Started a tech blog.
88. Started a food pop-up.
89. Started a food blog.
90. Had sex with a blogger. (Note: if you are a foxy chick have yet to check this one off your list, please email email@example.com immediately)
91. Made out with the Tamale Lady.
92. Made out with a transgendered person. What, did you think there was only gonna be one measly trans reference on this list?
93. Had your bike stolen.
94. Stolen a bike.
95. Ridden with the Dykes on Bikes.
96. Fantasized about Gavin Newsom.
97. Waited in a very long line for a pint of Pliny the Younger.
98. Worn some sort of bondage or S&M gear in public.
99. Gotten naked in the naked section of Baker Beach.
100. Taken a girl or a guy to your top-secret romantic make-out spot (that involves walking up a secluded staircase), only to find that a bunch of teenagers had gone there that same night to smoke pot.
Scoring brackets (with the names of famous San Franciscans who fall into each bracket)
1-20: You are boring as fuck. Please just move to Mountain View and stop driving our rents up. It’s closer to where you work anyway. (Herb “Wet Blanket” Caen, Lars “Whiney Bitch” Ulrich)
21-40: You might have been pretty edgy in whatever small town you grew up in, but you’re gonna need to do better than that to survive in the city that invented the fortune cookie. (Mel “What’s up Doc” Blanc, Johnny “Butterbean” Mathis)
41-60: You’re average. Unfortunately for you, in San Francisco, as in Lake Woebegon, all of the children are above average. That means you are less than a child. (Joe “Bull Nuts” DiMaggio, Natalie “The Goods” Wood)
61-80: You’re pretty fucking depraved. (Lawrence “There Once Was a Man From Nantucket” Ferlinghetti, O.J. “Horshack” Simpson)
81-100: Bill O’Reilly cries at night thinking about you. I want to be your friend. (Bruce “Mambo” Lee, Nancy “Bull Nuts” Pelosi)