Hello ladies and gentleman, but not boys and girls (because this post is for the +18 crowd only), today we’re going to discuss a favorite topic of mine: sex. You know: doin’ it, makin’ whoopee, doin’ the horizontal hokey-pokey, makin’ love, the whole 9 yards. This post is totally going to be HAWT, as the kids say. In fact, if there’s a single Muppet clip that can sum up this post, it’s this one:
Okay, I lied. This post has nothing to do with sex. Come on now—this is a PG-rated blog, remember? The real purpose of this post is to introduce (drum roll please)…
J’S SECOND ANNUAL CHARITY CONTEST!!! WOOHOO! YEAH!
Yes, I intentionally used the lure of sex to try to get more hits for this entry, because I know that all of my friends are perverts (that’s likely why we’re friends in the first place). Also, I hoped to get views from some random folks who searched for “sex” on WordPress, because I’m fairly certain that that particular term is searched for a wee bit more than “charity.”
What is this charity contest, and what are its origins? I’m glad you asked. One year ago I was living in Japan, and I noticed that, pretty much during the entire month of November, the Internet was abuzz with all sorts of articles, ads, blog posts and other wastes of time related to Black Friday. Having never been one for consumption of earthly goods, this obsession/hysteria over retail boggles my mind. I mean, people literally kill each other for new 50” plasma TVs. Has this whole world gone crazy? (Answer: yes.)
Although I understand that the Black Friday concept is good for our economy, and, from what I understand, many Black Friday purchases turn into holiday gifts (and I’m a huge fan of gift-giving), I think that, as we engage in rampant consumerism, it’s important, nay, imperative, to recognize that a large sector of people could never dream of the luxuries we’re lining up hours in advance to buy and would be more than content with a roof over there heads and a hot meal. I’m not just talking about in third-world countries, or even the poorest parts of America—there are plenty of people in expensive San Francisco that are in the streets begging for change every day. And in my Jewish/self-righteous little worldview, I genuinely believe that those of us who are blessed to be able to afford all of these fun-yet-unnecessary toys have some sort of obligation to help the less fortunate.
I work in a big-ass law firm. It’s hard work, and I get paid more money than I know what to do with. Considering the hours, stress, and mental strain/agony I endure, I think my paycheck is appropriate. However, if we factor in the amount of benefit I confer upon society, then I am grossly overpaid. For whatever reason (Jewish guilt?), I feel the need to give something back. I make various donations throughout the year, but sometimes it’s hard to know where to donate. There are SO MANY freakin’ important causes out there, and so many different organizations established to get the money from us to them, so what’s a good Jewish mensch supposed to do?
That’s where you come in, fair reader. I’m looking for the best of the best in charities—the worthiest causes that give the most bang for my buck. So here’s the deal (in step-by-step form):
1. All y’all submit your favorite charities to me. Please submit via my email if you know it, or facebook private message, or, if you’re a complete stranger (and I LOVE involvement from complete strangers), you can send an email to email@example.com and I think I’ll get it. You may submit up to 3 charities. Submissions will be accepted through the end of Hanukkah (December 16).
2. I will research all charities submitted.
3. Sometime between my father’s birthday (December 21) and National Pickle Day (December 27), I will announce the winners. If you are a winner, I will make a donation to the charity you suggested in your honor.
4. No purchase necessary! You just name the charities, I’ll throw down the cash.
Tips for winning:
–I like helping out people who are close to the action. If you yourself work for a charitable organization, or if you have close friends or family members who do, please submit!
–In general, I prefer local charities to those world-wide—the fewer middlemen between me and the recipient of the money, the better.
–Although I will do some research on my own, I’m a little lazy, so if you include a descriptive blurb about your charity that explains what it does and why it’s good, I’m more likely to donate.
–Pick charities that are awesome! To give you an idea of what that means, here are last year’s winners:
5th place ($50): 850 Yoga (yoga classes for residents of California state prisons)
4th place ($100): Room to Read (literacy programs for girls in developing countries)
3rd place ($250): Friends of Sausal Creek (preservation of a large watershed area near Oakland)
2nd place ($500): A Better Chance (helping kids from poor areas in America to receive good educations)
Grand prize ($1000): Grow Dat Youth Farms (teaching kids in New Orleans sustainable farming)
One final note. I’m going to get preachy here (preaching to the perverted, uh huh huh), but I don’t give a hoot. To my friends who are lawyers, doctors, big swinging dicks on Wall Street, or otherwise fall into the “haves” category, I encourage, nay, beseech you to donate to some sort of charity this holiday season. There is no doubt that we worked our fucking asses off to get where we were and continue to do so, but at the same time, we are absolutely blessed to be where we are today and this is something we must recognize. For my friends in Biglaw, if you’re looking for a place to start, please consider making a donation to the Justice Gap Fund, which supports free civil legal services for the poor in California (or, if you’re not Californian, your state bar likely has a similar fund). Remember, not everybody can afford to pay $400 per hour to have you look at cat videos on the internet, then draft a piece of crap document that needs to be re-written by a partner for an additional $800.
Thank you all in advance for your submissions. Peace and love!